


Motion sickness

by gravityplant



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Dan had a previous abusive relationship, Emotional motion sickness, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, This is based around a song by Phoebe Bridgers called Motion sickness, Throwing up (not detailed), someone gets mugged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 23:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18486220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: At first, Phil looks irritated, lips coated with a thin layer of saliva and eyes dilated in the dark. Then when he sees Dan his mouth falls open in shock or maybe horror Dan can't tell which."Omg Dan!" he cries, hurriedly pushing Dan inside before he manages to protest. Phil leads him to the kitchen flicking on the light and motioning for him to jump up on the kitchen isle for Phil to inspect the bruises poking out from under his jacket.Summary: A brokenhearted Dan calls the Indie singer Phil asking him to come over and Phil makes it his mission to make Dan happy again.





	Motion sickness

**Author's Note:**

> This fic and it's name is based around Phoebe Bridgers song: Motion sickness, I highly suggest you go and have a listen :)
> 
> (Note: Willow and Leo are not real people)
> 
> Beta: Phuzzyphan, Thank you so, so much for beta-ing this for me! I love your little comments on the text it really makes my day!

The second Dan woke up, his tired eyes were forcing themselves wide open, his breathing erratic, he instantly recognised the feeling churning in his stomach. As if someone malicious has decided to twist his insides with a firm grip. 

He throws his comforter off with haste, stumbling through the messy room, almost tumbling over his computer's charger before he makes it to the toilet. He's on his knees with a speed he didn't know he had, then he leans forward and throws up. It feels just like motion sickness Dan thinks, and he would know because he’s had it. 

But this isn’t motion sickness, Dan’s been staying in his bed for days and it stands steadily on the ground; yet it feels like the world’s moving beyond swiftly around him and the sun managing to filter in through his closed curtains are way too bright. He isn't moving, but his thoughts are very much so. 

Running over images of his face bathed in sunlight. His green eyes crinkling up in that perfect way that always made Dan want to reach a hand out to touch and feel. Let the pad of his thumb move over the soft warm skin littered with freckles. 

Something in his chest suddenly pounds extra hard and painful as if remarking that he’s not wrong. Dan has an emotional motion sickness and he can’t roll the windows down because unlike being in a car he can’t escape, he’s in for the ride and he doesn’t know where this trip is taking him. He only knows that it will definitely lead to an everlasting heartache.

His name is Leo, when he became Dan’s nothing was the same ever again. It’s like a chapter in Dan’s life had ended just to invite Leo. So they could build a life together... or so Dan thought. Apparently, Leo hadn’t. 

In the past few days, it has felt as if his apartment has shrunk down to only involve his bed and the toilet. Moving back and forth between the two. Emptying his stomach but not disposing of the sick feeling seemingly trying to coexist with him. He doesn’t think he can take it much longer, he feels so empty and so nauseous. 

He hates Leo with passion as a little and upset kid would do. He feels small, like he's been left in a car, screaming and crying for Leo to come back. He hates Leo but he wants him back so badly. He'd do anything to just have those arms wrapped around him. To be surrounded in everything that is him, feel safe and warm. Not trapped like this, feeling like he's suffocating.

That’s when he decides to call Phil, the only other person in the world that cares about Dan. He only hopes that Phil isn’t away again. Phil’s an indie musician who’s gotten quite a lot of gigs recently so Dan hasn’t really been able to see his best friend. Dan has known Phil for as long as he can remember. 

He grew up having Phil ringing on his parents' door, to having him coming over to visit Dan's first apartment. He's always been there for Dan. So when one of Phil's songs suddenly lit a wildfire that seemed untamable and got to travel across the world to perform the song and talk about it on tv Dan just felt empty and betrayed. Of course, he was happy for Phil, but he missed him a whole lot.

Phil visited sometimes with his girlfriend Willow. They'd sing in Dan’s kitchen, harmonies floating to the ceiling mixing with the steam from Dan’s hot coffee that he’d occasionally sip on. 

She’d sit on the countertop whilst Phil would occupy the small wooden chair with his long limbs. He'd have the signature leather jacket on and a smirk on his pretty face. 

Phil’s own coffee cup - the one Dan keeps at his home just for Phil - stands on the table and Phil’s fingers have meandered around the handle.

Sometimes Dan wishes he could sing, just so that he could vocalize as Willow does with Phil. His raspy voice mixing in with her light and soft makes goosebumps spread like a disease on his arms and something hot - he’s never managed to establish - burn in his stomach.

Phil picks up on the third tone, his voice spilling warmth from all the way over to Dan’s receiver. “Phil” Dan breathes, he sounds breathless and hollow, like it isn’t really him who is speaking. He doesn't really recognize his own voice.

The nausea is back again, hitting him heavy, he presses the palm of his hand firmly against his lips finding it to lessen the urge to throw up slightly.

“Dan?” Phil says, he might hear that something is wrong Dan thinks. “You sound- are you sick?” Phil’s voice asks on the other end. Dan is nodding his head slowly which proved to be a bad idea as he felt the sudden urge to once again throw up. He can hear Phil calling his name worriedly from the phone.

“I’m fine, really Phil I’m just- I’m fine. I just wanted to talk to you.” When Dan finally answers, Phil sounds really worried and upset.

“You don’t sound fine Dan,” he says. Dan immediately feels bad, his sweet Phil, his best friend who's way too affectionate and considerate. He really doesn't deserve to get dragged down into the dirt just because he's trying to save Dan. 

He doesn't want to see Phil falling into the same hole as he, himself has, he can't visualize Phil's face without that wide smile loitering on his damp pink lips or those blue eyes crinkling. 

Phil does have really pretty eyes- he's always had that, though, Dan thinks. But they can't beat Leo's, because Dan will never see those green eyes again. Surely he can never love someone as much as Leo, not even his best friend.

“Well, I am” Dan reassures, going as far as trying to stand up on his wobbly legs as to prove to Phil that he is fine, despite Phil having no way of actually seeing Dan. He leans his head against the cold tiled bathroom wall exhaling.

“If you wanted to talk to me then talk, I want an honest answer from you and nothing else,” Phil says firmly, Dan winces a little at the tone Phil uses, it's quiet and upset. 

Like during their now neglected past fights, Phil had always been passive, his voice never raising- he always managed to keep the surface calm and that had always vexed Dan, probably more than if Phil actually had screamed. 

But as most know, fighting with your best friend is something you mostly want to evade so Dan didn't see a point in trying to convince Phil further into thinking that 'really he's just fine'.

“Fine,” he says, he can hear the bitterness in his own voice, how annoyed he sounds. It scares him more than it should. So he adds something to make up for it, or so he hopes. “Why do you have to be so- so Phil-like?”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Phil whispers back, he sounds a bit distant maybe slightly confused or possibly irritated, Dan can't tell and it's driving him mad.

“Why... why do you care so much?” he ends up saying. He doesn't know why this always happens when he tries to tell Phil that he's the best, best friend that he could ever wish for and he really appreciates Phil caring this much, he just doesn't think he deserves it.

“Dan, what would be the reason for me not to care, you’re my best friend, you mean the world to me. And even if we were just friends I’d still care about you, that’s what friends do... Danny” Phil sighs a little but now softer, fonder as if those blue eyes are half closed, lashes heavy and he has a dumb smile on his face. He sounds tired Dan notices, maybe the many gigs have worn him out. If Dan wasn't such a shit friend he would've contacted Phil, called him to see how he'd been. But he's just been so caught up in Leo and then the loss of Leo.

“I- Leo and I broke up,” Dan says and he almost chokes on his own tongue not really realising the gravity of the situation until now, he'll never be loved ever again. Leo is the only one who's ever loved him and now he's gone probably dating someone much better than Dan.

“You what? Omg Dan, I’m so sorry, I’m coming over in an instant, when did this happen?” Phil's voice goes high pitch, the surprise and sorrow for Dan so evident he might as well have been beside Dan holding him close, the two of them rocking back and forth - Dan in a fetal position and Phil embracing him from behind trying to comfort as much as possible - because Dan feels so... so cared for at that moment?

“Wednesday, when did you come home?” Dan answers, he starts moving towards his bed again, letting himself fall back as the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed.

“That’s two days ago, why didn’t you tell me!? Dan... I would’ve been there for you. I’d serve you ice cream and be your cuddle slave hell I’d treat you like a prince. You know what actually I’ll do that now instead, I am coming over just making a necessary stop at the grocery store because something tells me someone needs to be a bit spoiled today.” 

Dan's throat is closing up, he makes a weird sound in his throat, and if he could've cried he would at this moment. Leo never would've done something like that for Dan, only Phil. Only Phil cares this much about another person in his life. 

Dan has seen how much he loves his parents and brother, how sweet he is towards Willow and how much respect he has for her. Maybe Dan hasn't appreciated Phil enough, god he's- he's the worst friend ever and apparently boyfriend as well since no one seems to want him, not even Leo who used to love Dan.

“It’s just a breakup... I don’t- Phil you don’t need to baby me and by the way, you didn’t answer my question” Dan whispers back.

“Wha- oh yeah... um, this Monday. I would’ve called you actually but I’ve just had a lot to do. I’m having a break this whole month from playing so I moved my stuff home into my apartment again. Plus I’m not babying you at all”. Phil adds the last part with a broad smile and an elegant, cute laugh that just speaks of him. 

Dan has to smile a little at that too, god he'd forgotten just how much he's missed, Phil. He's been too caught up in Leo, he's still caught up in Leo... or more like his stupid brain. God, why couldn't he go and just fall in love Phil instead of Leo?

“That’s good Phil. Reckon you needed a break to hang out with your bestie. And I still feel like I don’t really deserve this, you should do something fun when you’re on your break not sit here by my side” Dan laughs albeit it doesn't sound that real as he'd hoped it would, god he never really was that good at faking his emotions and Phil has always looked right through him, it's almost as he can't hide anything from Phil... almost.

"Who said I don't have fun hanging with you. Hey, you’re gonna get through this tough time, but not alone! You’re not escaping my expert guidance for how to heal a broken heart. I read all about it on Google actually last month I think it was- anyway I’m getting carried away, I’ll be at your door soon Danny, so you better be dressed”.

Dan knows Phil isn't trying to joke his problems away but instead trying to humour Dan, to make him feel better. And mostly that somehow works, Phil's just the right person to do such a thing, if it would've been any other person Dan would've probably pushed them away.

“See you, Philly,” Dan whispers softly, closing his eyes. He tosses the phone away from himself, somewhere on the duvet. He's gonna get dressed and he's not gonna let himself get devoured in those thoughts about green eyes and freckled skin.

-

The moment Phil's eyes meet his, he’s quick to stride forward and envelop Dan in his arms, he's taller than Dan and he burrows his nose in Dan's locks, his hand brushing patterns on his back. 

Dan's so overwhelmed he just melts into Phil's embrace and Phil, he just smells so... Phil-like. Dan feels almost nostalgic somehow yearning for the times before all of this mayhem happened. Before he met Leo, even before Phil met Willow, and it was just them hanging out. He's really desiderated that a lot, missed Phil.

"I don't need to ask you how you feel, Dan I'm gonna spoil you to death" Phil whispers into his hair calmingly. Rocking the two of them back and forth on his feet. They stand like that for a while, Dan not managing to answer Phil, feeling way too overwhelmed and a bit queasy. 

He breathes in shakily when Phil lets go of him slightly, still holding on to his shoulders warmly, looking into Dan's eyes. "You're gonna get through this boo, I promise you that" he smiles askant. 

Phil lets go then, grabbing after a white plastic bag hanging heavy when he lifts it with his little finger triumphantly. Dan's a little miffed that he didn't notice the bag at first. The rectangular shape gives away what Phil has bought. He looks happy, with a grin on his face.

"You didn't buy me ice cream did you?" Dan says raising an eyebrow, he's trying to sound disagreeing but fails badly. 

"Exactly what I did and you have no right to deny my courtship" Dan can't help but laugh at that "courtship?" he asks and smiles a little. Then he repeats the question smile falling from his lips. Phil seems to realise what is happening because a panicked expression washes over him. 

"Oh no Dan, oh I didn't mean to remind you of that... prick... look Dan I was just trying to make you laugh and it seems I've once again stumbled on your toes, I'm sorry". Dan doesn't have the energy to tell Phil that Leo really wasn't a prick, that it was Dan who was the idiot. 

Phil says the words with such worry though and his hand is coming up to rest lightly on Dan's shoulder so Dan can feel nothing other than a painful throb in his chest. Dan smiles sadly, shaking his head, "you always were clumsy."

Phil can't help but smile, eyebrows furrowed "hey, don't talk about me like I'm dead and I'll stand my ground as the clumsiest person you've ever met."

Dan smiles "okay, clumsy. Come on and bring that package of ice cream into the living room with me." Dan says, waving with his hand for Phil to follow.

"But what about bowls?" Phil questions after Dan.

"We'll eat out of the package, or at least I will, like the sad nerd I have the right to be, you bring the spoons, you... spoon!" Dan calls back. Phil smiles a little to himself. Being back in Dan's slightly - he has to admit - untidy apartment makes him embarrassingly happy. Something is crawling in his feet, urging him to walk faster to join Dan immediately. God, he hadn't quite realised just how much he'd missed this boy.

"Spoon?" He questions, rolling his eyes whilst shaking his head dismissively, a wide grin overtaking his features.

"Spoon." Dan confirms from the living room.

-

Phil holds Dan close under layers of blankets. He tries to suggest that Dan should choose the movie today but Dan just shakes his head when Phil asks. "You choose," he mutters between spoons of ice cream he tiredly shoves in his mouth. He looks sad, Phil thinks, and a twinge of sorrow nestles in Phil's own stomach for his friend that he loves so dearly. He's lost something, what Phil can't really put his finger on. 

Maybe he's lacking the sort of glimmer his eyes used to have, his voice is now lacking energy and strength. He just seems... faded, like a black and white version of himself, and Phil just wants to hold Dan close until everything okay. But he's not sure everything will be okay, because he's human, and trying to convince oneself to have hope can sometimes be the hardest thing in the world.

Phil had chosen Buffy because it was the first thing that popped up. The series that had infiltrated his teenage years and to this day holds a special place in his heart. They've watched Buffy together before sometimes, but it was a long time ago, when it was just them cuddling from the outside world. 

Willow came in the way, as Dan probably would've stated if he brought it up. Not that Dan was jealous of course, maybe he just wanted Leo to be there so he'd have someone to cuddle with as well. Phil's met Leo one time, but the four of them have never hung out. Leo doesn't like to hang out with anyone else when he's with Dan, well at least that's what Dan said when Phil asked.

Phil burrows his face in the crook of Dan's neck, closing his eyes. With his arms wrapped around Dan's warm tummy, he's certain he's truly fulfilled the requirements for being the perfect cuddle-slave for his grieving friend. Dan seems to agree, he hums a little, so softly that the vibrations tickle Phil. 

Dan feels safe in the warmth, in his best friends arms and the episode going on in the background doesn't seem as important anymore. Has it ever been important? Dan thinks. He lives in the moment and it has never felt this good to for once not have a single thought of 'him' in his mind. His nose is filled with the distant scent of Phil and suddenly the words from the tv mix together until they're almost non existent. Dan sighs softly.

-

Before he opens his eyes he immediately knows the motion sickness is back. It's swirling in his stomach, searing through his veins. He stumbles to the toilet only realising when he's hunched over the toilet that Phil wasn't on the couch with him. 

He doesn't have time to think about where Phil went before a new wave of sickness hits him. He can hear clatter someone dropping something and swearing and then Phil appears in the door gap. His face is pale, sweat glistening on his forehead. The evidence of his age is revealed by worry lines painted up. 

"Dan?" he says worriedly as Dan's shaking, sitting on the floor staring up at Phil. But he can't really think properly, he's filled with longing and the thoughts of... him. It feels like his heart is bleeding. Did he not tell Phil that he has some sort of emotional motion sickness. Maybe not...

"'M fine, really Phil" he mumbles wiping of the residue in the corners of his mouth with his sweater paw - it doesn't matter, he never really liked this shirt anyway. Phil looks at him sceptically "How often does this happen? Did you drink before I came here?"

"No, no Phil I didn't drink" When Phil still doesn't seem to be entirely convinced Dan adds "if I'd had you'd have smelled it on my breath or seen the bottle in the kitchen."

"I just I- I miss him okay?" he ends up saying and Phil doesn't say more after that than that he's cooking eggs for the two of them.

-

It turns out Phil's just as shit of a cook as Dan is because by the time the both of them are back the fried eggs have a nice black tan. Phil says he blames his bad cooking skills, Dan blames himself.

But he quickly forgets that when Phil babbles on. Dan can't help it when the corners of his mouth twitch while Phil tells him this story about when he was very little and he asked his mom if he could use grass in his birthday cake frosting because he wanted it to be green.

Surprisingly the eggs don't taste too bad, they're just a bit crunchy. 

"I obviously was very bright as a kid, coming up with an ecological food colour" Phil jokes and scrunches up his face as he swallows the first piece of his egg. He looks down at it, a touch disappointed that the food turned out so... questionable.

"I think you were onto something, you know" Dan smiles a little. "If Kath only would've listened to you then maybe you'd be millionaires." Phil smiles brightly then, eyes clear, meeting Dan's. Suddenly Dan is reminded of someone else's eyes, he swallows harshly around the egg piece that's seemingly having gotten stuck on its way down his throat. He coughs subtly, so soft Phil probably doesn't take notice.

"See someone supports my theory mum," Phil says jokingly, the warmth behind his eyes is soon followed up by a smile of the same calibre. That tongue thing he does when he smiles, Dan hasn't really cared about that in a long time but now his chest's blossoming with warmth. 

He remembers the times when he used to see that smile so often it was normality to him. it's almost as if Phil's brought out the old photo albums of them as kids. 

It strikes him so heavily even Phil's noticing, Dan puts down the fork neatly on the table cloth, his gaze empty. He doesn't know what it is with him but all these memories, the ones of Leo, of Phil, his childhood. They're too much to hold inside. A tear rolls down Dan's cheek, he sweeps it away quickly. 

Is it sadness or happiness? Does he want to be back in the moments kept in his mind place? He was the happiest he ever could spending his whole childhood with Phil by his side, was equally as happy with Leo but now with the breakup confiscating his thoughts he identifies Leo's departure as sadness and by extension Leo himself. He wants back to the time before they broke up. 

Maybe it's almost as if he wishes the memories never existed to begin with, so that his brain couldn't torture him this way. But then he remembers that the good memories are there too and by extension so is Phil, even if he left Dan before he's here now and that's what counts. 

Phil doesn't understand of course he doesn't, he thinks he's said something wrong, the wrinkles will become permanent scars on Phil's forehead if he keeps on worrying this much about Dan. Phil's quick to come over to Dan's side, a little clumsily he's edging the table until he's squatting before Dan. He doesn't say anything, he opens up his arms, waiting for Dan to either accept his embrace or fold into himself.

Dan leans forward into Phil's embrace, his weight too heavy and him too sad to stop himself before he's falling off the chair bringing both Phil and him to the floor. They land on Dan's uncomfortable and hard kitchen carpet. Phil still holds him he hasn't let go of Dan. Dan buries his nose in the warmth of Phil's chest and breathes in shakily, his eyes are bleeding his emotions, staining Phil's shirt.

"I- I can't do it," Dan says, his words are eaten by the fabric of the shirt. But Phil hears that because let's face it, he's Phil and when Dan's with him everything becomes so easy and simple in a good way. He knows Phil, he trusts Phil. It's just them in the quiet kitchen. Only them in this confusing world. Dan's world is spinning too fast, too many things are happening, there are too many emotions. 

Phil doesn't say anything instead he starts humming, Dan can feel the vibrations tickle and he sinks deeper into Phil. As if Phil's bones have given away to let Dan into Phil's soul. As if they're becoming one. He breathes in and out, he lets his mind be filled with images of his childhood, of Phil and forgets about pricks named Leo with their irritating charm that grows thorns around your heart.

"I had someone tell me during an interview that music isn't a language, you know," Phil says out of nowhere. His hands find Dan's head, roots in between locks of hair as if they belong there. Dan sniffs and closes his eyes.

"And my immediate thought was just, how stupid and one-track minded that is," Phil says eyes staring up at the kitchen ceiling, shaking his head, slowly from side to side on the floor. And fuck- Dan wants to agree and tell Phil just how right he is but he can't... he feels weak and he's scared that if he moves the nauseating feeling will return and force him to make his way to the bathroom.

"Sometimes people forget that music speaks in a different way than we do, we might not understand it, but others might. Just look at sign language, that's a language without spoken words. So why can't music which expresses so many emotions without technically speaking words - if it's instrumental - be a language?" He says honestly, the movements of his hand stopping as he lets what he's just said sink in. 

"I tried to tell him this but he just wouldn't listen to me, he was way too obsessed of the idea of just jumping onto the next subject, but I kind of got stuck on that thing he said there. The rest of the interview is really just a haze by now. 

You know, it got me thinking of you, you would've listened to me and maybe laughed a little. But you'd understand because music speaks to you, am I right?" Phil says and continues playing with Dan's hair, Dan hums in response and Phil closes his eyes. 

It's silent for a long time before Phil speaks up again. Dan is almost startled by the determination in his voice. "And you can," he says. And at first, Dan doesn't understand.

"I- what?" Dan mumbles into the shirt, moving a little so that his ear is against Phil's chest. And for a second he's fascinated by the slow beating of Phil's heart. It's calming and Dan has forgotten everything that has to do with the past, He's here, he's living right now in the moment with Phil.

"You can do it." And Dan understands what Phil refers to. He doesn't know what to answer so he doesn't. Phil doesn't make him either, he just stays quiet breathing in and out. And Dan falls into the comfort of Phil's rhythm.

-

Phil sleeps on the couch that night, Dan is involuntarily laying awake, hearing him snore loudly in the living room. He imagines hands moving over his skin. Warm breath on the back of his neck. Just the presence of... him really. Dan sighs shakily, grasping the pillow in his sweaty hand with a tight grip.

He lays there for a long while just holding his breath then breathing in at the last minute, counting, he doesn't know for what he is counting for but it helps. Well at first... but soon Dan finds himself urging to just get out of his room, anywhere but here where the absence of Leo is most recognisable. 

The feeling grows too strong, pulling his chest upwards until he's sitting in his bed. His eyes hurt and his vision is slightly blurry. It feels like a hangover, but he knows it's 'just' his broken heart crying out in his chest.

He stumbles out in the kitchen filling a glass of water and connecting it to his mouth, drinking until it's empty in his hand. Then he fills it up again but this time he carries it with him to the balcony. He carefully opens the door and slips out into the cold morning air. 

It's still dark outside but there are signs that the sun might arrive in an hour or two. Dan grips the cold metal of the guardrail firmly, feeling the freezing sensation spread through his fingers up his arm. His lips are still connected to the rim of the glass and he can see the city through the glass. But it looks distorted, like he's seeing a glimpse of an alternative universe.

He lowers the glass, swallowing. If he could flee to that alternative universe for a while he would but it seems he's very much stuck here; In the present, but simultaneously forced to witness the past flashing before his eyes every time he closes them. 

He can't move on. He just can't and he wishes Phil wouldn't have to carry him, rather leave him behind. But he's too dependent on their friendship to say goodbye, because without Phil he'd be completely alone.

-

It's early in the afternoon and Phil is forcing Dan to go outside. They stand in the hallway, Dan stands frozen to the black carpet - as Phil goes to fetch the key - hoping that it might hopefully swallow him whole, like a black hole. 

Unfortunately, that doesn't happen and Phil is back the next moment before Dan has time running back to the toilet, felling a wave of nausea hit him. But Phil stops him, warm hands on his shoulder as he smiles towards Dan. 

Dan looks up at him, studying him as Phil says "wait you haven't zipped up your raincoat" he looks kind, but somehow older than before as he grips the slider and drags it upwards. Dan holds his breath feeling a blush creep up on his cheeks.

"Phil we're not even sure if it will start raining, the reporter can be wrong you know," Dan says, burying his hands in the pocket of the raincoat.

"White looks good on you," Phil says instead softly as Dan turns around to shakily unlock the door. Dan hums in return, not taking a step outside. 

"Don't worry, if it doesn't rain we can just tie our coats around our waists" he reassures as he walks past Dan before he's catching on and grabs Dan's hand, pulling softly to get him to join him outside. "Can't let the ice cream wait," says.

"Wait- what ice cream? But Phil I don't have any money with me!" Dan whines, turning around, on the way back inside before Phil tugs him back. 

"I'm paying." And before Dan could argue against that Phil had locked the door and lead Dan with him, with his hand resting softly on his lower back.

-

They stand in the long queue up to the ice cream cart. "What is it with ice cream and you? Why are you feeding me all this free ice cream? Is this part of your plan of spoiling me to death?" Dan asks as they move a tiny bit forward with the queue. Phil turns his face towards Dan smiling.

"Ice cream makes you happy, I would know because I eat a lot of it. I also know that if you're going to sit in the park and watch the nature in action you need some snacks" he says propping his hands awkwardly in the pockets of his pants, he shrugs his shoulders happily. 

"Well, I just think you're a perv, what action is there to watch exactly? Ducks mating?" Dan says and mirrors Phil's shrug, raising his eyebrows teasingly.

"Well, that is part of the beauty of nature and I appreciate beautiful things Dan!" Phil doesn't let Dan's teasing get to him, only smiling back kindly, provoking Dan further. He huffs under his breath, pointedly rolling his eyes. 

"You're supposed to laugh, that's a common courtesy," he says to Phil. It's hot out and Dan has to subtly wipe away a bit of sweat that's gathered on his forehead. It's not helping that Phil insisted on him wearing the raincoat, he's going to die out here, a sweaty and heartbroken puddle of a human being.

"I'm sure it is to you, but I'm quite peculiar so..." Phil speaks looking out on the park around them, maybe he spots some ducks further away Dan thinks to himself.

"But that doesn't have anything to do- never mind" Dan sighs and Phil just laughs. 

"Told you, I'm strange." 

-

When Phil has bought the two of them ice cream, they make their way down the trails of the park, stopping at a park bench opposite a pond where the wildlife makes itself present. It's strange yet comforting seeing wild animals among apartment houses in the distance and the occasional bustling of busses.

"I don't usually go here" Dan admits as they sit beside each other. Phil looks out in the distance slowly licking his ice cream. 

"Yeah?" he says softly. Dan nods slowly, taking the first lick of his own ice cream. "But you, you've explored the whole world. Seen so many beautiful places. And I've been here my whole life and sometimes it's good, I feel safe here but just... I don't know... sometimes I wish I was someone brave enough to just venture the world."

"Did you see my Insta stories?" Phil asks leaning back against the bench. Dan swallows nodding at Phil's words. His mouth feels dry and suddenly he's not so peckish anymore.

"I did love travelling around but it got kind of lonely after a while," Phil says distantly as he licks some more ice cream out of his cone. "the team I'm working with is great but... they're just not the people I really want to hang out with."

"What about Willow, didn't she follow with?" Dan asks, staring stubbornly at the ducks floating on the surface. He lowers the ice cream in his hand waiting for a reply, subtly he glances over at Phil and catches him shrugging, staring at his feet, kicking at the ground. He doesn't get more of an answer, instead, Phil says something else.

"I missed my family and I missed my best friend and I was thinking to myself on the way back home 'I hope he's missed me too.'” Phil mumbles and nudges his foot against Dan's and as their gazes meet Dan can't help but smile a little. Just because it's Phil and he's stupid and Dan's very best friend.

-

Dan hunches his shoulders, hands deep into his pockets. His eyes are searching the ground before him as Phil and he are making their way down a street Dan doesn't think he's ever been down before. He can feel himself drift from the reality a tiny bit. He's not allowing himself to drift too far though. Phil's hand in his is keeping him somewhat grounded, it's reassuring to have human contact again, even if it's just Phil.

Something hits Dan's nose, wet and cold, trailing its way down over his lips. Dan looks up then seeks Phil's gaze, a smile tugging at his lips. Phil can't help but squeeze Dan's hand whispering "told you."

They're searching their way into a corner grocery store, running under the pouring rain. But Phil doesn't let go of his hand before they're inside and safe from the wetness.

They stand for a while precisely in front of the entrance doors hunched over in laughter. Dan laughs between intakes of breath "I really thought you were stupid for making me wear that but you- you proved me wrong" Dan shakes his head "I can't believe you proved me wrong".

"I mean technically I just watched the weather report, you should too, keeps you well-informed" Phil shrugs a broad smile infiltrating his face.

Dan steps forward poking his finger into Phil's ribcage accusingly "Are you calling me uninformed... maybe even stupid?"

"Well someone has to be the smart one of us and you're clearly not taking that responsibility seriously"

"Oh, I'm not you say?"

"No?" Phil laughs his face scrunching up, tongue poking out and Dan's stomach clenches in joy. "Oh, you'll regret even saying that, just wait" Dan smirks and Phil seems to realise what Dan is gonna do because he heads into the labyrinth of shelves giggling for himself as he disappears from Dan's view. 

Without thinking Dan is running after him, turning a corner not expecting Phil to have stopped and tripping right over him. In his way down, Phil brings with him a whole array of cans. But neither of them seems to really notice. 

Dan has fallen with his leg between both of Phil's, hand splayed out on Phil's chest. Dan lifts himself up slightly eyes finding Phil's. He's silent as a quiet hitch of breath escapes from Phil's pink lips. Dan licks his lips not managing to say anything only swallowing. He takes a shaky breath, dragging his hand gently down Phil's chest, his intention at first plainly removing it but he can't really stop himself from prolonging the warmth from Phil's chest from disappearing with the contact of his hand.

Phil manages to open his mouth just about having time to whisper "Dan I-" when someone rounds the corner. Dan sits up jerkily, his whole body stiff. When he meets the person's eyes his heart's stopping in his chest, a guttural sound escaping his lips. 

His eyes are green like the lush meadows they used to visit during the summer months, they have that glint that resembles the curious warm sun peeking through juvenile, renascent foliage. Those long eyelashes fanning out around his irises and then the hair, golden in the sun streaming in through the glass.

The thin rims of his glasses frame his face perfectly. The apron tied around his waist makes Dan's chest tighten, taking a breath seems impossible as if the cashier had fastened it around Dan's throat rather than his abdomen.

The person... Leo manages to utter "you two get off the floor, fighting doesn't belong in this building understood? You've done enou-" before he seems to notice Dan and the letters, one by one tumble out from his mouth as if in slow motion "Dan?" he gasps, he can't even conceal his surprise. 

Dan didn't know that Leo had gotten himself a job... and here of all places. Dan thought he hated everything that had to do with being a clerk. He must've been wrong... surely. 

But Dan realises he doesn't know Leo anymore. Leo's life has just rolled on he's progressed, changed and Dan has just been stuck. How come he can change so fast, why isn't he mourning the loss of their relationship?

Dan scrambles off Phil. Mind buzzing with white noise. He stumbles past the both of them. The nausea hitting him heavy. Wave after wave. flowing past his ankles, Caressing his cheek and then swallowing him whole. 

It's never been this bad, never this overwhelming. The emotional motion-sickness is drowning out everything else when he tumbles out through the door crouching over to throw up on the livid concrete. His legs are shaking giving away at the weight that has settled in his stomach. He cups his doddering hand over his mouth blinking when white hot tears prick his eyes.

He'll never get together with Leo ever again. Leo's not his anymore neither does Leo own him. But he's stolen Dan's heart with him and Dan's struggling to get it back. 

Phil's hands appear on the side of his shoulder gripping his arms with a secure grip "Dan come with, I'll walk you home okay?" His voice is high-pitched, thin even and it's wavering. Phil's biting down on his lips drawing blood. His eyebrows have sunken low on his face eyes moody and it seems his often so bright blue eyes have turned livid with distress. Dan can't endure it anymore, he looks away, his heart sinking deeper in his chest than he thought it could. Like a heavy boulder coming down to land. 

-

Phil sleeps over again, he doesn't complain about his back but Dan notices how he - when he thinks Dan doesn't notice - tries to massage out the kinks in his neck and cracks his back. That's when Dan feels worse than ever making his best friend stay over just because he's a pathetic loser who can't handle a broken heart on his own.

Once again Phil manages to bring Dan out of his apartment with him to the beach. It's a stupid idea but Dan can't help but smile as Phil unlocks his car and motions for Dan to jump in.

The cold wind is a blessing in this continued heat wave. The sand is warm and soft on the soles of his feet as he pulls the flip-flops off. Phil stands in his shorts among the tall dried grass on the small hillside, watching Dan as he lightly treads over the sand towards the ocean. 

Phil's legs are pale in comparison with the black shorts and he smiles smugly standing there dumbly with the mismatching leather jacket. Dan turns around in the wind, his hair fluttering all over his eyes. He cups his hands around his mouth shouting to Phil loudly so he will hear through the wind. 

"Do you ever take off that horrible jacket?" Phil laughs at that and Dan smiles towards him because he loves that stupid jacket - even if he won't admit it - just as much as he loves Phil. "There's nothing wrong with this jacket!" Phil calls back amused. 

"Then why don't you take it off for a second and join me? Wouldn't want it to get wet now would we?" Phil shakes his head at him but swipes the jacket off, leaving him in a tank top, his pale flesh exposed to the burning sun.

"I'm gonna burn, I'll have you know, and when I'm in agony you'll have to take care of me" he states as he comes up to Dan with his hands in the pockets and his eyes shining brightly. He doesn't look like he's so opposed to the idea, that rascal.

"Oh poor you, go on then and daub on some sunscreen then-" Dan mocks, rolling his eyes before Phil interrupts him throwing his arms around Dan's waist trying to lift up and throw him into the water. "Oi," Dan mutters, trying but failing to sound irritated.

"Come on Danny, if you go to the beach you have to swim that's rule number one" Phil jokes, tongue poking out through his teeth when he laughs. Dan raises his eyebrows.

"I've never seen you swim in the ocean and I'm pretty sure you've been to the beach before" Dan points out. 

Maybe Phil had never swum in the ocean before, maybe he has. Dan never gets to know because in the next second his in water up to his calves. It's colder than he thought it be and Phil starts running back to the car before Dan chases after him. 

-

Phil spends another night on the cough and then a whole day goes by of them watching series. Dan doesn't complain though, it's nice having Phil over. 

They make tacos together in the kitchen and then eat them leisurely together, neither of them talking much.

The next day Phil drives home in the evening. Leaving Dan alone for the night. He has a last-minute interview that his manager texted him about the same morning. 

Hours go and then when Dan's finally in bed the night air feels warm, the bed sheets sticking to his skin. It's too hot to think, even sleep. And Dan feels sick again, he thought that the emotional motion sickness finally was over but now he's thinking it'll never go away. 

That this great sadness that's flooded his chest will forever be rooted there. He will never ever be happy again. It's all Leo's fault, if he hadn't left Dan, Dan would've still been okay. But he has and Dan has to deal with it.

As Dan makes his way towards the shower he can feel how his hair is sticking to his forehead and he feels absolutely awful. Maybe a quick cold shower will solve it.

-

When Dan wakes up again with his face plastered to his phone screen he lifts his head to press down the home button. There's a message from Phil just laying there and waiting on him.

Sent: 09:07  
From: Phil  
Are you awake yet? The interview went well. Won't be able to see you until Wednesday, lots of work before I set off to Japan for the next two months or so. But call me whenever, I'd love to talk even though I can't see you face to face!

Dan's previous smile was gone in an instant. What is he going to do without Phil? He turns his head into the pillow breathing in and closing his eyes.

-

Dan wakes up feeling empty, he doesn't want to go up and get breakfast. He doesn't want to do anything. He's back at box number one. He lays in until two when he forces himself up to make some bacon and egg in the pan. He looks out over the city bustling with life. The outside world looks far too bright and his mind feels foggy and dark.

He spends the rest of the day watching a series and scrolling through his social media. It doesn't make him happier but it’s something to do, to keep him busy.

When he goes to sleep that night he hopes he'll get some sleep. 

He wakes up in the dead of night, something is buzzing in his quiet apartment. Through his eyelids, he can see flashes of light. When he finally, in his half awaken state has realised it's his phone ringing the person has already hung up.

He fumbles after the cold metal and gets blinded by the illuminated screen of his phone. He blinks frantically for his eyes to focus so he can read the name attached to the number. He thought he'd never see that name again, on the other hand, he thought he'd never see him in person again either so he really shouldn't be surprised should he? 

Dan closes down his phone and throws it across the room not caring whether it makes it or not. He's just sick and tired and all he wants is to sleep for an eternity.

-

He's gonna make a list, that's the first thing he thinks when he wakes up again. His vision is blurry, but his mind is weirdly clear at the moment. He swipes the comforter off his legs stumbling over the floor into the kitchen. He opens the cabinet doors ruffling through insignificant items until he finds a small notebook he plausibly bought for uni but never used. 

Dan finds a pen in one of the drawers and then he sits down on the countertop with the notebook in his lap.

How is he gonna solve his own problem? The first idea that pops up is calling Phil and ask him what to do, but he can't do that. He's gonna have to do this himself. If he starts with writing down things that make him happy it might get his juices flowing.

Things I like  
* Silly comedies that make me laugh even if I won't admit that openly.  
* Going to music festivals.  
* Listening to my own playlist.  
* Possibly googling facts late at night when I can't fall asleep? I mean if sleep doesn't count.  
* Playing games with friends.  
* My best friend (although he's technically not an object but the list can't make it without him so...)  
* Eating ice cream (This is entirely Phil's fault for this even being a point)

He looks over the list, reading through it again. It's a beginning and now he knows what he needs to write down next. His large clammy hands grip the paper firmly, eyes scanning as his mind is searching for material.

Things I need to do for myself  
* Watch comedies to make myself laugh, I can't forget that. Fake it until you make it.  
* Travel around town and find all the different cafes that you didn't know existed and buy something from their menu.  
* Visit the park, you can't isolate yourself the way you always do.  
* Finally, do something you enjoy don't let the emotional motion sickness stop you from doing it  
* Contact Phil and talk to him because you know you have a tendency to isolate yourself. He needs you just as much as you need him! (Even if you don't believe that)

And maybe there is a silver lining, maybe he just needs to believe it himself before anyone else tells him. It's difficult and most of all Dan wants to lay down on the floor in a small puddle of hopelessness. In hopes of slipping through the dark floorboards into another consciousness where he isn't as hard on himself. 

But he knows he can't defy physics and to vanish from this world because it would vacate him without Phil. And Phil he's cognized is way too vital for him to just dematerialise from. So he'll do this for Phil, he'll do it for himself as well because if he keeps feeling this way he'll never be blithesome. And if he tries to go searching for happiness he might find it in his own way.

-

Dan steps forward in a venture buoyant fashion to the ash coloured desk, resting his hands lightly on the lip of it. When no one comes to his service he notices the small, round silver buzzer. The reflection of his face warped in the silver as he rings stir something in his stomach. A nervous glimpse of something greater to come.

The young hefty lady stepping out from the back wears a pensive expression on her face as she near Dan. Her copper eyes search Dan's face as she asks him what he fancies to order. He asks what she suggests, she shrugs, albeit a little flattered by his question. She points to the menu behind her to a drink he's never tried before but he's sure someone else - if they were with - would absolutely adore. 

Dan chooses the drink and watches her as she sets to work making it. He looks out of the massive windows of the cafe, on the sun licked pier with its salty ultramarine colour splashing up against the warm oak. How he'd sit out there later, looking out for splinters, legs almost burning against the auburn. But the heavy winds blowing from the sea would mitigate the lusty daystar.

As he still looks out, neck strained from daydreamingly staring, he asks her passingly "Are there many tourists here or am I the only one visiting?" She shakes her head, a rusty smile experimentally taking place on her face. Then she shrugs again when he doesn't meet her gaze. "Not many sadly, it's quite a beautiful place, it is. Long shores, luscious green meadows and the sea..." she says dreamily "... glittering in the broad of daylight".

Dan smiles a little "You don't sound like you come from here by the way you said that, are you summer working?" She nods a little placing the warm cup on the ashen surface. "I'm not from here, I do freelance work in England during the summers, I document and draw flowers, you could say I'm a wanna-be Carl von Linné".

-

He holds the phone tightly in his hands, the sweet chocolate drink on the tip of his tongue a reminder of who he's trying to contact. The tones come and go one by one but no one is picking up. Dan lowers the phone in disappointment. Phil's face is starring back up at him in his contact list mockingly. He said he'd answer whenever Dan wanted to talk.

Dan shakes his head angrily, swallowing down an ugly feeling growing in his chest. Maybe he's with Willow and he doesn't have time to talk to Dan. So much for "Oh call me Dan, I'd love to talk with you". Phil is full of bullshit and Dan should've known. He knows Phil's a good liar when push comes to shore, Dan's known him his entire life. 

He's just about to close down his phone when his phone starts to vibrate. The screen lighting up with a name he didn't want to see at all. Despite that, he forces himself to answer.

"Dan, babe?" Dan swallows throat closing up he shakes his head. Despite all everything inside his being screaming to him not to answer he does anyway. 

"Yeah?" his voice sounds small, like a child's.

"I thought I saw you yesterday but I've must've been hallucinating, darling. Because you would never molest a man like I saw the mirage of you do, now would you?"

"No... Leo" Dan mutters ruefully, the sweet taste of his drink now feeling like it's stuck in his throat, it's sticky and too sweet. Dan feels like he's suffocating, yet... it's so, so calming, resembling the mild innocent ocean at bay before a roaring storm.

"Good boy, now what do you say about meeting up tomorrow at the cinema like old times, darling?" His voice is so familiar it seeps through the locks of Dan's security doors, slithers its way into his heart. His hands shake, teeth biting down so roughly on his own bottom lip he draws blood.

"Yeah," he chokes out. Breath coming out heavy and shaky from him holding it in. Leo seems to chuckle at that "great, see you there darling."

Dan's not sure what to think, he's got everything he wanted back... maybe? It seems like a date- an invite from Leo like this he can't turn down, so why does he feel like crying, why does he want to down a whole package of ice cream, and why is his first thought calling Phil when he's not allowed that.

Phil's a busy man with a girlfriend of his own and a life that Dan really isn't a part of and his visit was just an excuse because Phil will be gone a long time before Dan will be able to see him again. Phil doesn't need a depressed boy’s problems to weigh him down. No, Dan has to take this in his own hands. He HAS to make himself happy. There's no other way.

After throwing away the overly sugary drink he dazedly makes his way down the concrete roads near the beach, gaze drawn to the ocean. The sun will soon settle and he's making his way back to the bus stop, hands deep in his shorts pockets. He wants to cry, his insides are burning, it's so painful and yet there's nothing to solve his problem. He thought going to a cafe he's never been to would make him happy and it did for a short amount of time before Leo called him; Before he realised Phil can't be the solution to everything.

-

It's funny, Dan thinks, Leo was a singer in a band already when Dan was born, Phil's a singer, funny how he seems to fall for the same type of guys. It's kind of sad how many times he'd convinced himself he'd tell Phil how in love he was with him in their teenage years when he never managed to muster up the courage to do so. 

When he finally thought he'd have the chance to tell Phil, Phil introduced Willow, making Dan's world crumble into pieces. 

But he found a way out, he met Leo at a concert. Dan had had little too many drinks to mend the cavity where his heart was supposed to rest and Leo's charming smile and honey dripping voice had lured him in, in seconds.

Leo had been his saviour when his chances with Phil had disappeared. And Leo is still here when Phil is gone in a week or two.

Dan is making his way down the cobbled path in the dark of the evening, the lamppost casting light on his lonely figure hunched over. The cinema isn't far away now. He's just about to take a short cut when something hits him in the back of his head. He doesn't even have time to react, everything goes completely dark.

When he wakes up he can't tell how much time has passed, just that the back of his head hurts and that there's an obvious absence of his phone and wallet. His lungs feel bruised when he heaves a breath experimentally. He tries to lift himself up on his arms before he's rolling around with much effort to a sitting position.

A dark blue car stops a walking distance from where he's sitting and a nervous middle-aged man with messy brown hair and bushy eyebrows climbs out of it. 

"Are you okay, are you hurt, do you need help, can I drive you to be a hospital?" he asks Dan questions lapped over each other in such a mess that Dan only manages to distinguish one.

"Can you drive me home?" he asks.

-

He knocks slowly and tiredly at the door, eyes feeling like they're gonna fall out. It took a long time for the man to drive here but now he's left so there's no way back.

Dan hears a loud noise coming from inside, a shout and then footsteps nearing. When he opens his clad in his underwear, bruises covering his neck and Dan wants to cry. He has no right to but seeing Phil like this is breaking his fragile heart into little pieces.

At first, Phil looks irritated, lips coated with a thin layer of saliva and eyes dilated in the dark. Then when he sees Dan he's mouth fall open in shock or maybe horror Dan can't tell which. 

"Omg Dan!" he cries, hurriedly pushing Dan inside before he manages to protest. Phil leads him to the kitchen flicking on the light and motioning for him to jump up on the kitchen isle for Phil to inspect the bruises poking out from under his jacket. 

Phil softly asks Dan if he can take off his shirt so he can see how bad it is. Dan grabs the hem of his t-shirt, nails digging into the material. Apparently, it's pretty bad because Phil whimpers at the sight. Dan looks down at himself and of what he can see that the bruises are flourishing like exotic flowers on his pale skin. It hurts and the marks on his skin are the proof of it.

Before either of them manages to take another step someone else is entering the kitchen "babe, who was it ringing on the door? I miss you with me in the bed you know, can't stop thinking of what you could do to me." A man with brown eyes and curly hair identical to Dan's own stands in the doorway. 

Phil turns his head and before Dan can react in the slightest Phil roars "Out, get out!" The man stands frozen to the ground staring at Phil dumbly before a look of fury floods his face. 

"Who is this, Phil?" he says pointing at Dan. Dan swallows looking over at Phil who quickly glances over at Dan with a look of concern. Phil frowns then seemingly deciding what he's gonna do.

"That's none of your business- now out before I kick you out myself!" He says dragging the man out of the kitchen with him. Dan shrinks into himself at the sound of Phil's loud and angry voice. When they're what Dan assumes is the hallway the angry voices stop drifting.

Dan can't utter a word, his tongue feels big and heavy in his mouth and he feels completely empty. He doesn't even have the strength to feel nauseous it's like his own body and mind has given up completely.

When Phil comes back his movements are jerky and unsure. He asks how much it hurts and what really happened. Dan doesn't answer he just shakes his head and Phil, the man who Dan loves so deeply, who's broken his heart, hugs Dan tightly against his own warm, naked chest. All Dan can think as he's being hugged is how well Phil knows him and how Phil's never going to be Dan's.

-

They fall asleep on the cough Dan on Phil's chest. When Dan wakes up, his head still hurts, he's scared that if he moves his body will too. Phil's hand fumble over Dan's back, warm and clammy through the shirt and Dan breathes in, in surprise at the sudden movement, something stirring in the bottom of his stomach. 

Phil then groans softly moving slightly so that Dan slips in between Phil and the sofa, his back pressed up against the material. Now suddenly Phil's mouth is millimetres from Dan's. It shouldn't feel like this, hard to breathe and exciting in a way. He finds himself wanting to kiss those lips. Press his to the wet pink ones and taste Phil. Taste everything he's ever dreamed of having. He inches closer Phil's breath fawning out upon Dan's own lips, it should be gross feeling Phil's morning breath but it isn't.

But he can't because he doesn't want Phil like this. Not to taste him for a second just to lose him the next. Phil hums and moves again rolling so far away that he falls from the couch landing on his back with a pained sound.

Dan moves over to the edge peering down at Phil where he blearily looks up between his fingers. "Morning" he mutters in a husky voice. Dan just shakes his head.

later when Phil stands in the kitchen with a slice in his hand. He turns around eyebrows raised "I meant to ask you, what would you think about getting away from this place a while?" Dan sits on a chair, legs crossed.

"Are you suggesting what I think you are?" Dan asks tilting his head to the side eyebrows raised. Phil's smile grows on his face "maybe..."

"Dan, would you like to travel to Japan with me for a couple of months?" Phil turns his back to Dan, tending to the eggs but Dan can hear that he's smiling.

"Are you kidding? It would be an honour!” Dan exclaims, shaking his head. It's quiet for a while in the kitchen. Dan leans his head in the bend of his arm, rested on the table in front of him. Then suddenly out of nowhere Phil breaks the silence.

"Dan... I'm sorry for what you had to see yesterday... it really- you weren't supposed to see that- fuck you must've thought I cheated." Phil says frantically waving his hands around. 

Dan doesn't say anything, eyes roam over the textures of Phil's wooden table. But he's holding his breath hoping Phil understands what he wants to convey. Phil seems to panic a little opening his mouth again.

"But I didn't I swear, I- I broke up with Willow months ago" Dan hadn't even thought about that, about her. Caught up in his own selfish thoughts. Well, at least Phil didn't cheat.

"I just... I needed someone okay?" Phil admits his eyes big and worried, he combs a hand through his hair. Dan swallows, he can feel the jealousy brewing in the pit of his stomach. He bites his lip preventing himself from saying something stupid.

"Phil... it's okay, I get it. Been there felt that, you know" he tries to joke it away but it doesn't really work and Phil just gives him a faltering half smile.

"Yeah of course..." Phil mutters laying aside the slice on the surface of the countertop.

"Leo..." Dan coughs in the middle of his sentence meeting Phil's gaze for a second before he has to look away "he, uh, called me yesterday..."

"No, he didn't! What did he say?" Phil says voice high-pitched and him in an instant hyper-engaged in the topic. It makes Dan feel almost uneasy.

"He... he wanted to meet me again" Dan mumbles unwillingly, shrugging a little, trying to convince Phil that it really isn't a big deal. But Phil isn't stupid.

"You didn't say yes did you?" He asks in dismay, mouth open and eyes wide.

"I did..." Dan admits, sighing deeply in the wait for Phil's reply.

"Dan! He broke your heart!" Phil exclaims, gesticulating wildly with his hands.

"Yeah he might also be the only cure left in this world". 

"No... no Dan you can't think like that. He's not the cure, fuck, he's nothing, he's not worthy of a single thought. He's proper toxic Dan, shit, I thought before- but I didn't say anything.” Dan's mind is spinning, he closes his eyes for a minute trying to regain his capacity to think. Phil is swearing... he... he broke up with Willow. The world is upside down, he must've fallen into a parallel world surely this isn't his reality.

"Dan, just hear me out okay, you don't need him, he might've broken your heart but that doesn't mean you'll never love again, there are plenty of fish in the sea," Phil says stepping closer to Dan.

"What if the sea has never interested me" Dan says coyly, shrugging his shoulders.

"What do you mean?" Phil says as Dan stands up in front of him, hands in the pockets of his jeans. Phil has that familiar uncomprehending, cute expression on his face. Mouth open and eyes big. Dan can't explain fully what that does to his insides, it's like his insides fall into bloom, like he's filled with life all of a sudden.

"What if I already know a fish who's far better than any there are to exist" Phil seems to think his answer through, eyes unseeing for a second before he meets Dan's gaze with new awoken frustration. 

"No- Dan Leo's not-" And of course Phil would think that because he's Phil and Dan's known Phil for his whole life and he's blind for what've been there right in front of his eyes the whole time.

Dan smashes his lips into Phil's. The taste of those bubblegums Phil always chews is overwhelming. It's as if he consists purely of sugar. Dan kisses him again, firmer and Phil to Dan's relief kiss back, hungrier. His hands coming to rest around Dan's middle. They knock their foreheads together, breathing heavily.

Dan opens his eyes gazing into Phil's bright blue. He's always liked those stupid eyes. Phil opens his mouth breathing in a big gulp of air, his lips are raw and pink from all the kissing.

"I meant you, stupid" Dan finally whispers back against his lips as he sweeps closer again. Phil just bites playfully at Dan's bottom lip at that, giggling hysterically when Dan swats at him.

Phil burns their eggs again, but Dan couldn't care less- he's following Phil to Japan. They're spending months together miles away from Leo and the rest of the world Dan knows, and he couldn't be happier.


End file.
